I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
