I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
