Swine flu is the new snow day.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
