12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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