If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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