You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
