I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
