And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
