atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize