I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Randomize
