mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
