I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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