I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
