Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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