My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
