Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
