that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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