Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
