After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
