He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
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