I wanna bring you to show and tell
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
