glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
