SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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