Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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