i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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