I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Randomize
