Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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