I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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