The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
