You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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