Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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