You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
