Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
