one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
