My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
