You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my shit smells like andre
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
