Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
