I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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