don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize