My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
