I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
