My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
whose ass print is on the piano?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
