apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need a beard to bite.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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