The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
