I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
