Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
