hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
