Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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