this beer tastes like vomit already
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
