we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize