i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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