Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
