Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
