It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
