He uses pillows to masturbate.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How does one acquire holy water?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
