Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
