I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
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