quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
